5 Selfish Things You Do That Actually Make You A Better Partner
For the longest time, I didnt want to get into a relationship because I didnt want to LOSE MY IDENTITY.
I hadalways feared losing myself in a relationship. I just wantedto run free around New York City with my best friend, Owen, hopping from gay bar to gay bar to gay bar to gay bar, not giving a flying fuck about any other person besides myself and my equally wild partner in crime.
I mean, I worked really, really hard to cultivate a healthy relationship with myself.So, the idea of throwing another person into the mix terrified me to the bone.
And the whole concept of checking in with another person filledme with a visceral feeling of acute nausea and unease. I didnt check in with my parents when I was an out-of-control teenager. What makes you think that as a 30-year-old woman, Im going to check in with another adult regarding my whereabouts?!Ha, youre cute.
I also have so many huge, massive, mega things I want to accomplish in this short life. I want to move people with my work. I want to write a book one day. I want to continue acting in all the weird indie films my friends make. All of this stuff TAKES TIME, especially in a town like New York.
And Im a textbook introvert, so excessive socializing makes me feel exhausted and drained; I need a surplus of alone time to recharge my weak batteries after spending time around real, live people.
I couldnt imagine having to balance dinner dates, friendships ANDmy career.Who the hell has time for all that?I already feel like Im failing my friends. How could I deal with the guilt of failing a partner too?
Maybe a lot of my fears and anxieties about this are rooted in the fact that Ive been called selfish in past relationships.Ive been called selfish for wanting alone time with my friends. Ive been called selfish for pouring too much of myself into my career, and being too drained to give my all to a partner at the end of the day.
It all made me think being selfless in a relationship meant sacrificing my autonomy.I dont want to sacrifice my autonomy.
But now, kittens, I realize all of that garble is total bullshit. You need to be a fully realized human being if you want to be a good partner. Sometimes, being selfish can actually make you more selfless in a relationship.
So, here are five things that might seem selfish, but actually make you a better partner:
1. When You Skip A Date To Work On Your Personal Projects
Look, if I go on a date with you, rather than stay at home to really hone in on the piece Im writing, Im going to resent you. It doesnt matter whether thats fair to you or not.
Im going to unfairly blame you when the article bombs on the internet, even if I dont tell you Im blaming you. I will harbor the irritation within myself instead.
If Ive learned anything, its that resentment is poison in a relationship. Its toxic. Once you start resenting your partner, there is no turning back. Its there, and its there to stay.
But if I say, Hey babe, I cant meet up tonight because I really need to work on a piece that matters to me, and I stay in andkill it, I will feel better about myself.
I can only feel good about myself when Im feeling good about my work. And that way, when Im with you, I will feel accomplished.Ill be present in the moment with you. Half my brain wont be focused on my work. You will have all of me not just a part of me.
And most importantly, I wont secretly resent you for pulling me away from my ambitions.
2. When You Need To Sleep Alone
When you get used to sleeping while clutching a warm body, you can easily start feeling like you need another person to sleep alone.
The thing is, you need to get used to sleeping alone. You need to remind yourself that you are, in fact, a strong individual who can rock her gorgeous self to sleep.
If I start thinking I need another person in order to fall asleep, I know Im going to feel wildly co-dependent. And when I feel co-dependent, Im terrible.
I start to think I need this personin order to survive. Then, I get all paranoid that the person will leave me.I spiral and think, OMG! I CANT HANDLE THAT BECAUSE I CANT LIVE WITHOUT YOU.
Thiswill make me read into everything like a territorial freak of nature because Im SO AFRAID OF LOSING YOU.Does that kind of psychotic neediness sound fun to date? No, baby.
So, just realize that when I need to sleep alone, its so that I can be a stable, NON CO-DEPENDENT partner. (Its not just so I can masturbate beneath the sheets in peace.)
3. When You Need To Hang Out With Your Friends
Kittens, you need to maintain your friendships when youre in a long-term relationship. Let me tell you about a girl I once knew (me) who lost herself in the thick of a long-term relationship.
The girl in question got so close to her girlfriend, she drifted further and further away from the rest of her friends. She made her girlfriend not just the person she had sex with and went on dates with, but also her best friend.
She told her everything. All of her problems, all of her fears and all of her insecurities were bestowed onto her innocent girlfriend.
The girlfriend eventually became drained. She was a shell of her former self. This is because its too much for one person to take on all of someone elses issues and problems.
If the girl had just balanced out her energy and opened up to her friends about her feelings, she wouldnt have felt the need to drain her partner with her incessant ramblings.
4. When You Need To Go To The Gym
I hate girls who show off about how much they work out, too. Its like, shut up, WE GET IT. Now, give me a cigarette (and I dont even smoke).
But girls who talk about working out all the time make me want to smoke out of sheer vengeance.
But low-key, I work out, too. And if I stop going to the gym because Im too busy having sex, I start to feel anxious AND tired at the same time.And when Im sad and sluggish, Im not as much fun to be around.
When I go to the gym instead of that date, I come back to you a more fun, energized partner.Because Ive released some stress, built some serotonin in my depressed brain and sweated out my demons, Im much sexier.
I promise Im a better person without those horrible demons.
5. When You Just Need To Be ALONE To Dream
Sometimes, you just need alone time for no other reason than you NEED ALONE TIME. You need that time to dream and write and draw and watch porn and give yourself an orgasm and Google weird shit on the internet and just be weird in the way you can only be weird when youre totally alone.
If you dont get the time to let your freak flag fly solo, youre really going to go nuts. Youre going to go crazy because we all need time to ourselves in order to release our inner weirdos.
If you repress your inner weirdo because youre around your partner all the time, youre going to start to do those weird things around your partner and thats not pretty.
You want to maintain a little bit of mystery in a long-term relationship in order to keep the fire alive. Your partner doesnt need to see you do weird things like shave your big toe or watch video tutorials of drag queen makeovers. Because if your partner starts to see you do those things, the next thing you know, youve stopped having sex.
And when you stop having sex, you might as well call it quits, kittens.