8 Very Possible Theories That Explain Where In The World Kim Jung-un Is
Rumors about North Korea have been swirling since the country essentially removed itself from the rest of the world, and the most recent bout of speculation revolves around the whereabouts of Kim Jong-un.
While access to North Korean media is certainly limited, the Supreme Leader has been absent from the public sphere for more than a month, with some people saying high heels are to blame, while others speculate the dictator has finally been deposed by the people who really call the shots.
The truth is nobody really knows where Kim Jong-un is, and anyone who claims to have an “informed opinion” is probably a liar. At this point, we’re using essentially random pieces of trivia to try and pinpoint his location, so I figured I’d do the same in trying to track him down.
Laughing hysterically for the rest of his life in a lube factory
This is the happiest Kim Jong-un has ever been.
Wherever Dennis Rodman is
They’re probably at an IHOP eating. Kim Jong-un seems like the kind of guy who can appreciate a nice stack of Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘N Fruity© pancakes.
Creating a “Jurassic Park” for unicorns
In 2012, North Korea announced that it had discovered an ancient unicorn lair. Experts were sure it was a unicorn lair because there was a sign outside that read “Unicorn Lair.” I’m not making this up.
I’m assuming that when it was discovered, Kim Jong-un would do what any normal person would do and insist that scientists start cloning unicorns. I can’t think of a better way for North Korea to rehabilitate its image than by opening a “Jurassic Park” for unicorns.
Kim Jong-un is obviously the John Hammond in this situation, so he’s likely inspecting the park before announcing its opening to the world. This might be pure speculation, but it’s my favorite theory so far.
Doing whatever he can to stop the release of “The Interview”
I’m picturing him dressed in all black trying to scale the walls of a studio lot in Hollywood while a bemused security guard calls for assistance.
Watching runway models fall to make himself feel better
The last we heard, Kim Jong-un broke both of his ankles in a disastrous high heel incident. I can only assume he’s been watching fail compilations on YouTube to ease the pain.
Kim Jong-un and Vladmir Putin are technically neighbors who share a surprising number of traits; they both like to pretend that their countries are democracies and not oppressive regimes buoyed by a cult of personality and a general disregard for morality.
However, there is one key difference: Putin is an ex-KGB agent who loves posing for pictures with his shirt off (which the Internet loooooves) and Kim Jong-un is — for lack of a better word — fat (which the Internet also loves, but for different reasons).
I wouldn’t be surprised if he emerges from self-imposed exile in two months with a chiseled jaw and a six pack. Crazier things have happened.
Testing the limits of an “all-you-can-eat” buffet somewhere
I know I already made a fat joke, but I can see Kim Jong-un paying $24.95 for an all-you-can-eat buffet somewhere in Atlantic City and never leaving. Someone should check the one casino that’s still open there.
Getting repaired (because he is a robot)
Has anyone confirmed that Kim Jon-un is a real human being? Dennis Rodman said he’s “a nice guy,” but when Dennis Rodman is your most reliable source, it’s time to start looking for better places to get your information.
I don’t have any proof that Kim Jong-un is a robot, which means I have about as much evidence as most news outlets when they report on stories concerning North Korea. It might not be the most likely explanation, but I don’t think we should rule any of these out.