For Those Whose Sexual Awakening Was Caused By Edward Scissorhands
1. If you grew up in the ’90s and currently have an appreciation for sad men with disheveled hair, chances are Edward Scissorhands is responsible for your sexual awakening.
It was frankly pretty difficult not to fall in love with Edward. Scissorhands and all.
Let’s start at the very beginning…
2. Edward was created by a brilliant, but lonely, Inventor.
Who wouldn’t want Vincent Price as a father-in-law?
3. You knew that The Inventor had instilled in Edward a love of poetry… and a sense of humor.
It’s ok to laugh, Edward!
4. And when The Inventor died before completing Edward, your heart broke into a thousand pieces.
This is the precise moment countless ’90s children became goth.
5. You identified with Edward. And when he said…
…you wanted to tell him “I’M RIGHT HERE.”
6. Edward was taken in by a well-meaning Avon lady.
…Who lives in a pastel nightmareland. You wondered why Edward couldn’t just live with you instead.
7. And when the Avon lady tried to give Edward a makeover, you were like…
STOP. THAT. RIGHT NOW. Don’t touch his hair. Leave his skin alone. Don’t try to dress him up. He is perfect as he is.
8. In fact, let’s pause for just a moment to appreciate Edward’s look.
9. Then we meet the Avon lady’s daughter, Kim.
You wanted to be Kim.
10. Kim was too basic, at first, to see Edward’s charms.
She was judging him over Pumpkin Spice Lattes, but he was into it.
And your heart sank a little. Why Kim. Why.
11. Edward managed to look hot even as he struggled to adapt to life in the suburbs.
It’s as if he didn’t know that you were waiting to run off to a creepy castle with him at a moment’s notice.
12. But then people discovered that he was good with his hands.
And you were like “yes.” And that’s a great skill for a guy to have.
13. And then there was that one neighbor who wanted to jump Edward’s blades.
The thirst is real.
14. She tried to take advantage of Edward.
And even though you respected that her nail game was on point, you wanted her to leave him alone.
15. I mean.
16. Edward didn’t even really understand what was going on.
This was definitely not something found in The Inventor’s poems.
17. In any case, Edward only had eyes for Kim.
Still, when he stared into the camera that time he went on TV, it was almost as if he only had eyes for you.
18. And you thought, he’s so sensitive and sweet, he must be good with kids.
19. And animals.
20. And remember when Edward was carving ice sculptures in the yard…
…and Kim danced underneath all those shimmering ice crystals? You heart melted like all those little specks of ice in Kim’s hair.
21. But not everyone understood Edward the way you did.
All those suburban troglodytes soon became petty, and fearful, and hateful. And you wanted them to just let your boyfriend be himself, because he was creative and sweet and great.
22. Kim’s awful boyfriend was especially cruel.
He was threatened because he noticed Kim’s feeling towards Edward had changed. Because Edward is perfect.
(And you were like, well. I was into it this whole time, Edward. But whatever.)
23. And when Edward and Kim had this moment, something inside you came undone.
“I am a pre-teen,” you thought, “AND I DON’T UNDERSTAND THESE FEELINGS I’M HAVING RIGHT NOW.”
24. He embraced her, very carefully, AND YOU FREAKED THE FUCK OUT.
And you knew, right then, that all you’d ever want is someone who understood what it’s like to feel different.
25. The awful townspeople chased Edward away, back to the castle where he was made.
And you wished you could have protected him.
26. And then we got to the incredibly heart-wrenching good-bye kiss, and you exploded into a million tiny little pieces.
kids at school townspeople would never understood, and they would never accept Edward.
YES, EDWARD AND KIM KISSED.
AND YOU DIED.
27. And then this happened…
Just look at his reaction. He’d always wanted to feel loved, and it finally happened when he had to say good-bye.